Let It Fucking Go
I haven’t written in a long time. This one’s kind of heavy, but here are some current thoughts.
Happy New Year friends ♡
12/31/22
It’s 12:16pm and I’ve cried twice. Like really good cries where it’s hard to breathe. Something needed to get out.
I’m sitting here by myself with the cat on my lap. Everyone else went snowmobiling up to Electric Mountain Lodge for burgers and beers. Sounds fun, right? I didn’t go because I was terrified of having a panic attack in a snowstorm.
…what? Who am I? This isn’t me. This isn’t the Jane I’ve always known and loved. She was crazy and loved any type of good time. And she definitely loved burgers and beer. Who is this anxiety-ridden, sobbing person sitting here apologizing for not being fun?
I can tell you some things she’s not. She’s not smoking a cigarette. She’s not drunk. She’s not hiding from these feelings; she’s sitting with them, or drowning in them today, but she’s not hiding from them. She’s not numb.
A mimosa and a cigarette sound nice. Two mimosas and I would be on a snowmobile on my way up to the lodge, anxiety free. This is the battle I’ve been fighting for six months now. I know how to feel better, at least temporarily. I’ve been doing it for a very long time.
Cutting out caffeine, nicotine and alcohol all at the same time was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s been a hard thing almost every damn day for six fucking months. Those were my friends, my confidants. They always had my back and created a buffer for my fragility when things got tough. They made everything a little more fun. They didn’t allow anxiety to come around, and if it did they were really good at quieting that noise. Cutting them out of my life felt like cutting a part of myself out of my life. I’ve been struggling to understand who I am since then.
I’m finding I don’t want to do some things that I’ve always done. I don’t want to be around certain people or go certain places. But that’s every other day. On the in between days I crave these things, people and places. I miss them and ache for them. Things were easier. I didn’t have so many emotions. It’s like there’s this rope snagged on something that keeps pulling me around and around towards the things I’m trying so hard to let go of. I can’t seem to untangle the rope and for some reason I’m reluctant to just cut it loose.
Why? Why can’t I free myself from the constant Battle of the Jane’s? Why am I holding on so vehemently to these past versions of myself? I can’t just let them go. Why?
Because I’m scared. I’m scared people who have always been there and loved me won’t anymore. I’m scared I won’t be as much fun. I’m scared to plan a Bachelorette party and wedding and show up not drinking. I’ve never given a shit about what people think of me and all of the sudden I’m scared of how people perceive my actions. What the fuck? I’m scared of cutting that rope that’s keeping all these old versions of me around because…because I love them. Part of me is so ready to grow, change, move forward, let it fucking go. And another part is holding on fucking tight to the past. It’s about half and half. Jane 1 and Jane 2. They battle constantly. It’s exhausting.
I know, it’s stupid to be scared of these things. It’s dumb to worry about the wedding and Bach party. But that’s how I feel; I can’t just tell my feelings to fuck off. Some people already do treat me differently, or maybe don’t know how to treat me. People I thought would be supportive just aren’t. And that hurts. That hurts a lot. It makes me second guess these decisions I fight for every day. So yeah, I’m scared of silly things happening because I’m changing who I am.
All of the changes I’m making in my life are extremely positive. I’m really fucking proud of myself. Along with cutting bad habits out comes finding new habits and routines that support me. Taking daily walks, creating a sacred morning routine, expressing gratitude, affirmations, reading, pulling tarot, talking out my feelings with my partner, spending (a lot) of time with the cat and dog, listening to calming music…these things help keep me in a balanced, healthy, mindful state.
But choosing to cut out nicotine and alcohol means facing a lot of shit a lot of the time. Shit I didn’t even realize I wasn’t facing is coming up and slapping me in the face. (That’s an entirely other writing prompt). I didn’t even know I was battling anxiety so bad until I quit drinking and smothering it all the time, stepping outside for a cigarette to avoid a situation. Now it’s like heyooo, welcome to the Shit Show where Anxiety is headlining and feelings of Confusion, Doubt and Fear are the opening acts. Not exactly the life I’ve been used to.
I know I sound like I’m complaining, but I think this is why I had to sob a couple times this morning. Being strong and part of the Battle of the Jane’s every day is fucking hard. It’s fucking exhausting. It’s rewarding and some days things are really, really great. But some days they’re not at all. Some days fucking suck and they’re really hard, and I can’t just act like everything’s totally fine. In the grand scheme of things yes, things are in fact really good. I’m fighting the good fight and making great strides in enriching my life and creating healthy habits that I do enjoy. But I’m changing a lot all at once. It’s my choice and I’m proud of all of the things I’m doing, or not doing. But the cost is pretty high. It means cutting that tangled rope and leaving behind old versions of me that I have always loved. It means really and truly embracing a new version of myself. It means accepting that it’s time to let things go. It’s okay to let things go. Impermanence is life. We die over and over again and are reborn into newer, better versions of ourselves constantly, just like the changing of the seasons. It’s natural to change. Why am I trying so hard to fight it?
The fact that it’s New Years Eve could be fueling these feelings of needing to let go of the old and embrace the new so strongly today. I don’t normally play into the whole ending of a year, beginning of a new year so much considering time is a man-made concept and Nature doesn’t give a shit about calendars. But I gotta say, I am fucking ready for this year to end. I think I’m ready to cut the rope and free myself from this constant battle. I’m tired. I don’t like anxiety. I’m ready to quit doubting myself and step back into a space of self-love and confidence. I’m a fucking badass, and I’m ready for this new year and new me.
I haven’t written in a long time. This is my first blog post in four years. Writing always helps. I decided to share this because I know someone out there is going through something similar, and it’s so nice to know we’re not alone. That’s the whole reason I started the blog in the first place. If that person is you, know that I support you. You’re doing great…in fact, you’re doing amazing. You’re strong and you can fucking do this. I believe in you. Let’s kick 2023’s ass together.